About a month ago I felt this strange tingling sensation on my left upper lip. At first I thought it was dry skin – but it turned out to be a weird like nervous sensation that couldn’t be wished away…So off i went to the doctor and then to a neuro specialist…and then for a dreaded MRI. Good lawd, who knew I was claustrophobic?! For some terrifying moments I thought I was going to die and nearly pressed the panic button and tried to calm myself by counting, but for some obscure reason I could not remember any numbers after 14…so I would get to 14, pause, and then start at one again. I don’t remember being so afraid before…except the morning when Tim was born.

The day before, on February 4th, I successfully had my Advanced Seminar – 3 of my committee members approved my next step and asked me to set a date for dissertation defense, It was such a supportive and caring environment and bolstered my courage and faith in my committee…and now I am writing again, everyday a little…and I can feel some of the numbness around my writing thaw. I didn’t realize how hard a blow I had been dealt in December. Writing had become almost non-existent and my advisor literally had to drag me to the point of my Advanced Seminar. Thank God she cares enough to drag.

I have been in a funk…a zulu blues. Tired and worn. I’m trying to do better…sleep more, write little by little, eat well. I know my parents are worried about me…I’m a little worried. But I know enough to know that this is typical of how my friends looked at the end of their doc degree…just completely worn, chewed up and spat out by the system.

I also know there is life after…jobs to apply for , papers to write, conferences to go to…finding a new place to live in. I have an appointment with the neuro on Tuesday and defense date is set for April 18th. Fighting my way through the numbness, pins and needles…Onward and Upward.