So we are in February, and it’s freezing and winter has been colder than a witch’s tit. I am miserable in the cold -it seems to freeze the life blood from me. I am writing this dissertation – sometimes i like it, other times I am paralyzed at the enormity of it and all the implications…when I graduate where will I live? where will i go? what will I do? Barnard has been such a haven for the last almost 4 years and giving it up makes me panic a bit.

My folks were here over Christmas and will return for graduation and Summer…should be fun all round. And Tim is looking to colleges and going to Patagonia in 3 weeks and Joel is getting bigger and also not…and life – life has me by the balls…

And I am fixated on the man, on the possibility of this man – not what he is, but what he has the potential to be – in reality he is not a partner, he is not my boo, he is not bae…but the potential to be is there – and that is haunting my soul…because there are glimmers of it, there are the flickers of hope when he puts up “the face” emoticon and I know he does it cause it’s like an inside joke where I say I hate it and he does it still…or when I need to talk and he is there…and when he is busy but follows up with me after and talks. I love the sound of groggy almost asleep voice… and the waking up almost not asleep voice. I love lying against his body and waking entangled in his limbs after we had fallen asleep thus. I know that this fixation may or may not be real – it could be the loneliness talking – it could be the dissertation stress…but I have the insane need to be needed – to feel like a woman loved…and this man offerings sprinklings of this…and although I want more, I’m not even sure that I can deal with more or really want more from him…but I like what this is…it has potential for me…perhaps not with him, but I know that I could have more and that makes me peaceful in my soul…because for a while I believed that I would never find a partner again…someone to share myself with, and I know now that that is simply not true. I will. I have. I will again. So…I will continue looking behind the doors of life…On Jan 5th I went to see what was behind door 1403. And I left a happier person for it.