Sometimes in life you just gotta look out for number 1. And that’s a truth… many times I look out for everyone around me, not that my people don’t look after me too…but sometimes the self care is necessary and so damned rewarding. Choosing between 2 things that are both beneficial for your health and psyche…how do you do that? Well, I guess it’s about the balances and making the choices that will best serve you in your soul at that point – AND having back-ups.

  So I lay out my clothes and set myself up for the one thing – I was      psyched, and if not physically ready, I was completely psychologically ready. Pink shoes and tight pants. All set. The numbers game was up.

But then I also prepared for my second option and walked through a flash flood as I thought about what I wanted, because I literally could have had them both, but then I would have had to give up some of my top choice – I decided to go with the choice that made my toes curl more, the one I needed to remind myself of my aliveness, of my vitality, of my nakedness and vulnerability, my beauty and desirability and be at ease with it. And so I waited and was rewarded in my soul; and I am happy with my choice. Vibrant, reminded and as my soul is warmed I feel and look alive. And so I build my memories.

 “…I only wanted to see you -Laughing in the purple rain….”
Yep – I love all things purple…it’s my favorite color. It has the ability to come at you in different shades and hues…perhaps light and subtle, like an almost translucent lilac, or bold and dark and forceful like rain clouds pregnant with a storm that will demolish all in it’s path and leave the earth washed clean, like an ablution from God Herself. And as I sit here and look around me I realize that I am surrounded by Purples and Lilacs…my t-shirt, ipad cover, water bottle, pajama pants, make-up bag, running clothes…the mundane and the simultaneously deeply comforting.

Purple blankets my soul in warmth…and so when I saw him again wearing that purple sweater it felt good and warm, and comforting…and made me feel good within the situation…loving it for what it is… I am comfortable with what it is and how it’s navigated and when it envelopes me for that minute, in that space and time, then for that moment, all is at peace inside and I am carried on that purple cloud and washed afresh in that purple rain…and it’s good to know that there’s something…

It’s May…how did it get to be May? And I am in the throes of trying to get the damned dissertation proposal done and as I watch my colleagues and friends defend and propose, I am a little hurt by my lack of being able to bring myself to that place where I, too can say i defended my proposal. I know I have it in me to do this thing and there are gestures to success and yet I wonder what holds me back to just plunge in completely and finish this monster off. I know my work is relevant and good and that it can inform the practice of recruitment of Black Male teachers and yet going through this process is painfully slow and excruciatingly both soul enriching and destroying. All I really want to do is eat chips and watch crappy tv, and lie on a beach and drink brightly colored alcoholic beverages…and teach have a teaching job at a university, doing teacher prep…oh yeah…that’s why I need this damned PhD in the first place. LOL. Silly me. FML.

But in reality, and in the grand schemes of things…my life is great – I changed from the EdD to PhD and am doing my language requirements soon in May, going home in June to my family and to the Soil from which I am…my kids are great – excelling in school and life…and I am evolving continually…at least more than satisfied with my life…ran my first half marathon in April 2014, following up with the Brooklyn Half in May…in a situationship that is being navigated and does indeed bring joy to my heart and soul because it stretches me…as a woman. So really all in all – really not bad at all…not at all.